I’ve always considered myself to be of average fitness, but the last year or two really changed that concept in my mind. My weight has never been something I thought much about, despite being scary skinny at one point in my life. I was in the midst of an eating disorder, but it isn’t what I would have called it then.
I didn’t know what it was, but chalked it up to symptoms of anxiety. Last January, I went on a hike that was very difficult for me and it led me to feel really down about myself (more about it here and here).
But I told myself I’d finally get into a good routine after that. For the most part, I have. A few months later, I scurried up Masada in the dark, terrified of getting left behind by my tour group. Then in July, I went on a bike ride and hours-long waterfall hike alone in the pouring down rain on Ometepe in Nicaragua. I’m now getting ready to hike the Inca Trail this week. Wish me luck!
I never really got into positive eating or exercise patterns until my mid to late twenties. I’ve always been picky, but my travels have helped me try new things. I got into running for a while, even running a half marathon, but never really loved it the way some people do. Once I had surgery on my foot, I gave it up. Instead, I went on a search for a new outlet, trying countless classes through first timer’s classes and ClassPass.
Like Amy Schumer’s character in her latest movie, I attended trendy fitness classes with girls in their $200 yoga pants, usually the biggest one there. Some were a hit, like trampoline fitness classes and rowing, which appeals to all shapes and sizes, while others weren’t. I went to more than a few classes where no introduction was offered and instead I was allowed to struggle for the entire hour.
Seeing “fitspiration” on social media can be both triggering and enraging, as anyone with a pattern of disordered eating can tell you. The before and after pictures, carefully manicured snaps of your workout, or images of your expensive juice cleanse make me want to pull my hair out.
Comparison is both the thief of joy and the cause of anxiety because it sets up unrealistic expectations for how we “should” be. Terms like cheat days, swimsuit ready, and clean eating are misleading and exasperating. You know what is a “swimsuit ready” body?
A body in the process of putting on a swimsuit, no matter how it looks. Cheat days imply that we should regiment our lives and diets apart from one day. Clean eating can mean a number of things, but can pressure us into disordered eating patterns.
It’s still hard for people to understand that skinny does not necessarily mean healthy or fit, just like larger bodies do not mean the person has diabetes or is unhealthy. I have curves and stretch marks and blemishes and everything in between. My disordered eating was never really about my weight, but it’s easy for those lines to blur. I can now recognize these triggers so that they don’t have as much power over me.
So what now? I have four tenets that keep me on track.
“Hike your own hike.”
I heard someone describe this statement in regards to the Appalachian Trail and the speed and methods at which you do it. Your workout or eating habits are entirely your own. This is a situation in which it’s perfectly acceptable to put blinders on to ignore those around you.
I realize that I look like a fool during much of those pilates classes, but I do the best I can and try not to worry about the girl next to me. When it comes to the Inca Trail this week, I can’t go any faster than my body will allow, a point I hope to remember.
Find what you love.
I don’t know why everyone thinks that running is THE way to “get in shape,” another term I’m not so fond of. Running wreaks havoc on your joints and doesn’t actually work out your entire body. Because of my body type, I find that low impact, high intensity options are better. I love swimming laps at my local aquatic center (a super cheap option!), rowing classes, and CorePower yoga.
Get offline.
Pinterest is a great tool for coming up with meal plans and workout regimens, but it’s also a black hole that can easily suck you in. It seems like everyone and their mother is an expert on how to “get fit” and everyone offers unrealistic methods to get the body you want (8 minutes for flat abs? really?). Instead, meet with a trainer or nutritionist who understands your goals and won’t shame you in any way. And step away from Instagram instead of mindlessly scrolling.
Fall in love with yourself.
Easier said than done, right? It’s taken me nearly 30 (!!) years to feel confident in my appearance. I still have days where I don’t, but I try to point out one thing I like about myself in those moments. For example, my eyebrows are currently groomed flawlessly and perfectly arched. Tomorrow it might be my summer freckles. If it takes standing naked in front of the mirror every day, do it. I’ve started posting more photos of myself online as a way to do this.
Have you dealt with “fitspiration” envy or disordered eating habits?
May is recognized as Mental Health Awareness Month. For resources on disordered eating, visit NEDA or read this essay I wrote about my experiences.
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