“I don’t understand what would make someone do that,” my dad said last week. He was referring to a friend of a friend who had committed suicide.
I was in the midst of a depressed episode and found myself thinking “I can.”
This morning, I woke to three texts asking about Bourdain. I did a quick look on CNN and found the news: Anthony Bourdain, one of my longtime heroes, had ended his life. It came in a week with another celebrity suicide, Kate Spade, and a year when “mental illness” is used to explain away tragedies.
He was a divisive figure in many ways, a brash personality that wasn’t for everyone. There was always criticism about his approach to travel. But in so many ways, he changed the way I looked at the world and food.
I’ve dealt with disordered eating, which has been “fixed” in some way by my travels. Visiting these places with unique dishes opened my eyes to what food could mean to me, more than an obligation. Listening to him describe bun cha in Vietnam with President Obama still brings me joy.
“Low plastic stool, cheap but delicious noodles, cold Hanoi beer.” This is how I’ll remember Tony. He taught us about food — but more importantly, about its ability to bring us together. To make us a little less afraid of the unknown. We’ll miss him. pic.twitter.com/orEXIaEMZM
— Barack Obama (@BarackObama) June 8, 2018
I was halfway through a year living abroad when I saw him speak at the Sydney Writers Festival about 9/11. It felt like a taste of home, seeing one of my idols in my new environment. He made me think about my future as a writer and my ability to actually make my dreams happen. He hadn’t gotten some fancy journalism degree and became a recognized writer by chance.
I now wonder if depression is the curse of the creative mind. If those of us who are blessed with creativity and artistry must also deal with self doubt and darkness. Two halves of a whole brain. It’s easy to think of examples: Cobain, Hemingway, McQueen. Musicians, writers, fashion designers, and everything in between.
What people misunderstand is what depression really is. It’s not about happy or sad, success or failure. It affects the rich, the poor, all genders, all races, all jobs, all parts of the world. It’s a black cloud that appears one day. How do you get a cloud to disappear from the sky?
We’ve got to start treating visiting the therapist like we do visiting the doctor, not something only “troubled” people do. I have this problem myself, thinking I can fix something on my own. If what you’re doing isn’t working, ask an expert.
If it was a tumor instead of depression, you wouldn’t think you could fix it yourself, would you? It’s like we all have the same virus, the ability to be affected by depression, but it manifests in different ways, showing symptoms for some while none in others.
Anxiety and depression have played a role in my life for as long as I can remember since my first panic attack in fourth grade. But I “should” be happy, right? I have family and friends that I would do anything for. I have a quirky pup that brings joy to my life.
I will soon be a published author before the age of 30. But that doesn’t mean I’m not affected. I’m looking for a therapist for the first time in my life, something that is likely two decades overdue. We all struggle with something and it’s time we talk about it.
I think that Bourdain had so many stories left in him and I wish we had been able to hear more over the next few decades. I know what I’ll remember him as. An advocate for the #metoo movement. A father. A storyteller. Someone who wasn’t afraid to speak up. A curious individual with an insatiable appetite. An inspiration for travelers. He will be missed.
***
If you suffer from anxiety or depression, there are countless resources out there for you. Lifeline is the country’s national suicide prevention hotline, open to your calls 24/7. If you, like myself, have an insurance provider that doesn’t cover many mental health professionals, or no insurance at all, there are options as well. The ADAA has this page that helps you find a doctor in your area. Call a friend or a stranger if you need to.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
Further Reading
- This NPR story discusses a recent CDC report about the soaring suicide rates in the United States and are up about 20% in my state alone.
- Actor Wil Wheaton wrote this speech before the Bourdain news broke about his life with depression and anxiety. Kristen Bell also has shared her struggles publicly.
- I purchased the above necklace (thanks to Lauren for the heads up), so feel free to ask me about it if you ever see me. The sales go completely to a mental health group.
- Pacifica is an app I’m using that incorporates cognitive behavioral therapy tools with meditation.
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